How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Interviewer: What do you have to offer our television news team?
Me: It’s something that could save your life. What is it? I’ll tell you tonight.
Interviewer: How soon can you start?
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken