How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
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Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that
My body: are you serious? have you seen us?
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.