How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
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Got my mate for secret Santa (guy who spends all his time grooming his beard, drinking whisky, oiling his beard, drinking beer, combing his beard, drinking coffee, and wearing novelty Star Wars clothing) and I’m stumped
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
So that’s what we looked like?
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
girls will be like “i have so much to do” then grabs some snacks and starts watching a 10 part docuseries on serial killers.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
bout dat hot dog summer
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*