Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?

Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.

IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once

if a cop pulls u over play dead

Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

I fixed it. For me

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!

If only.

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.

cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.

me: why?

cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.

*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly

if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”

My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!