Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes

Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

“Next time can you make something I like?”

*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.

Someone called me “unhinged,” and I have never felt more understood

Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal

All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.

Good morning

Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.

When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.

[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know

My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.

Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.

Me: *cautiously taps*

Cashier: Not against my forehead.

[Spelling bee]

Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-

Contestant:

Moderator: *sweating*

Contestant:

Moderator: forklift

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner