How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
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My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Why does laundry happen to good people?
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
Me :
All Day At Night
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.