Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
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I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
are there any atheist mantises?
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.