How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
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It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Happy Taco Tuesday
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Wise advice
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
BOSS: You all get 1 floating holiday
COWORKER: I’m taking Earth Day off
ME: [knowing a day on Venus is 243 Earth days] I’ll take Venus Day
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for me who just can not shut up about his battles
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?