Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”

Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.

What I said: GO TO BED!

What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

[texting]

me: touching my duck n thinking of you

her: gross, go to hell

me: *patting my duck’s head* don’t worry quack sparrow, she didn’t mean it

Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct

Occam’s toothbrush: show off

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time

Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.

Dracula: You can’t be serious.

Jesus, take the wheel!

*steering wheel disappears*

*car careens into tree*

Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?

Me: No Sir it will be round

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

never let them know your next move: signal left, then turn right

Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this

Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.

Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it

I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”

Me: A partner

Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

Mission: Impossible

[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls