How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
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Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
How do I convince my publisher that this is an essential marketing purchase
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie