“How long you here for?”

-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city

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school: late

dentist: late

wedding: late

give birth: late

concert: 7 hours early


If it weren’t for dating sites, I’d still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it’s all gone now.


Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.


ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?


Me: “The only person I need in my life is you.”
Bartender: “Please stop trying to hold my hand.”


Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.


No, I said I wanted to BING you on my kitchen counter. You know, the popular search engine?


I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.


It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this


My neighbour has diabetes and now she won’t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.