@Kail_SOVL

“How long you here for?”

-somebody that’s bout to stand you up while you in they city

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@ElgatoEsmio

HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN

@RiotGrlErin

Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.

@deardilettante

Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.

@KevinFarzad

Well, well, well, if it isn’t the person whose name I’ve forgotten.

@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@AnnietheNanny1

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

@wendchymes

Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.

@Parkerlawyer

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

@torrami

Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.

@AnOrangeSNES

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!

ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie