Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
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Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
This pepper spray feels like no really meant no
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty