How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
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Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
i hope my email finds you on fire
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”