How many? 馃
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Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
I鈥檓 sorry, I鈥檓 going to have to cancel, I鈥檓 completely snowed in
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don鈥檛 know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don鈥檛 mind if he keeps doing it.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Maybe my washing machine keeps telling me it has one more minute left in the cycle because it鈥檚 connected to the wifi and doesn鈥檛 want to stop scrolling TikTok.
No wonder chickens can鈥檛 fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
bought wrong eggs
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 馃檨
Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Me: I鈥檓 gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I鈥檓 gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
Eat…
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night