How many? 🤔
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The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
me opening up to someone
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.