How many? 🤔
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Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
Me reminding my kid of all the fun things we did this summer so when he’s asked on the first day of school he doesn’t say “Uhhhh nothing?”
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
This is my pinned tweet
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.