How many? 🤔
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Kid: I wanna be a teenager
Teenager: I wanna be an adult
Adult: I wanna be asleep
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I was wondering how lightning worked, then it struck me.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
i saw “independence day” in the theater in 1996, and friends, i will never forget the way the entire audience literally and ecstatically CHEERED when the dog escaped from the explosion. that dog could have won an election for president with like 95% of the vote in july, 1996
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night