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It’s okay if your phone autocorrects f**k to duck.
You’re still using fowl language.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
When someone gives me a compliment I never know what to do with my arms.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
🤣✨#caturday
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.