@TheAndrewNadeau

How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?

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@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

@mack44_d

Them: ‘It’s a long story.’

Me: ‘How does it end?’

@PaulyPeligroso

People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”

@pilau

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

@berniethoughts

WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?

@dlicj

looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam

@urmumsausername

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

@Vice_Queen

I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.

@CArmanthegirl

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.