Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
You Might Also Like
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.