How many animals do you think they tried shaving before they figured out sheep?
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Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.