Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

me: I’m having hearing issues

doctor: can you describe the symptoms?

me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield

ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink

WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

debt collector: your bill is outstanding

duck: thank you

With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?

Seen but not heard

God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”

Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt

Does beer think about me too?

Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?

Well I couldn’t give two hoots.

God: you’re an elephant.

Elephant: ok.

God: you have a great memory.

Elephant: what does that mean?

God: you never forget.

Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?

God:

Elephant:

God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.