HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
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*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
(Watching Hocus Pocus with my kids for the first time)
Twinzer: Dad, what’s a virgin?
Me: uh… someone from Virginia
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
[God creating octopus]
Angel: We’re outta teeth. You gave too many to the sharks
God: Crap. What’s left?
Angel: Ink, suction cups, and parrot beaks
God: Hmmm..
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
[VIDEO] John Oliver Agrees With You For 22 Minutes
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
You do not have to prove your own humanity to others. Unless it’s a captcha.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.