Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?

Me: The what?

Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?

*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*

Me: Practice.

The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.

Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk

You know how when you pack, you’re supposed to use your socks and underwear to take advantage of any small spaces left amid the pants and shoes and jackets and etc.? That’s my strategy with after-dinner snacks.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time

I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.

Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.

Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.

Good point.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.

Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”

“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”

Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?

Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.

Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.

“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”

Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”

Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower

My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?

[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my life

Surgeon: *waves hand* umm hello

My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.

there’s gotta be a better word for you people than cinephile

[confession booth]

ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes

PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this

ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share

PRIEST: you forgot pride

ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this