How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.