Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
i formally apologize to anyone who knew me when i was 13
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?