@funnyhumour

How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.

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@BlindChow

Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.

@Pierre__4

If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind

@jukeboxsauce

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

@kibblesmith

It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”

@UnfilteredMama

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@david8hughes

[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]

@KissabiX

*flicks cigarette*

Listen, if the Matrix is made up of numbers & you need to understand those numbers to dodge bullets. I’m dead af.

@dreamthievin

Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot

@myonlymizztake

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?