There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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This guy at speed dating asked if I have any weird tattoos I was like lol not if you love The Golden Girls.
detective: 3 armed men robbed this hospital of all of their hand sanitizer
me, also a detective: looks like they made a clean getaway
detective: lmao be serious 7 people are dead
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“I will die on this hill.”
-me, walking up anything steeper than a 10% grade.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time