How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you