How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
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My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
[summoning the devil]
me: come to us!
satan: [rising from floor] who summons me?
mom: [comes in] hi honey i thought you and your friends might want some snacks and-
me: mom get out!
satan: susan is that you?
mom: oh my god! satey?
satan: unholy shit how long’s it been?
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex