How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search