How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
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*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
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This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
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At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search