How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner
telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
