How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
a camel walks into a bar and the
bartender says, “hey you can’t bring your own drinks in here”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy