@TheDeducers

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

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@ThatFellaKev

Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on

Christian Bale: What?

@LorieGZ

My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.

@BoomBoomBetty

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

@moose_chocolate

A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.

@geekysteven

Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.

@Darlainky

*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*

*watches people scream into the box*

That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.

@kiel_phillips

JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.

*stings person*

FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…

JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.