Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
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My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
A coworker told me she was “catching up on her correspondence” so apparently it’s 1932 here at my workplace.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
This is the scariest thing I’ve ever read
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.