Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..

Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.

The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point

Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.

Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

You realize kids in other countries make Air Jordan’s and iPhones right?

-Me responding poorly to my kid’s homemade Father’s Day gifts.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems

i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.

Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)

[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.

Tonight I wanted to stop drinking but then I rememberd the owner of the pub has a family to feed

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity

If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.