How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
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Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
Oh to be a whale and just have my food periodically float into my mouth
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
new dr. seuss book dropping:
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
Guys, I found it.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Me irl
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’