Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”

Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview

“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think

Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.

My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?

My husband’s closet:

In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.

I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.

men, we mow at sunrise.

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

Me: *works out entire body a lot*

Arms: Lol no

Abs: Ehhh

Butt: haha what

Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE

Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.

I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.

My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.

The address:

What if a woman was Nunchucks?

– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating

By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.

What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.

When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us