How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.