How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.