How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.
While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.
my astrological sign is a french fry
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*