How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
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Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
not just anyone can be cremated. you have to urn it
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.