how many bears make up a bear minimum
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“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
if i gave birth in a barn and then a little boy came in and started playing the drums I would throw the baby at him
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?
No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Beware of fowl play.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.