how many bears make up a bear minimum
You Might Also Like
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal