how many bears make up a bear minimum
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My new baby cousin is half Bengali/ quarter Portuguese and a quarter Nigerian. And the first thing my uncle says is welcome to the world baby United Nations 😭😭😭😭😭
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Never mess with a drunken pig.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
On any given microwave, there’s only one button to me. It doesn’t matter what I’m cooking I just keep hammering popcorn until it’s done.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
The universe isn’t working so I’m going to turn it off and back on again. You will cease to exist for a few minutes. I apologize for the inconvenience.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…