How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
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*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
When I said I liked it rough.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible