How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
You Might Also Like
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Banana is the quietest snack
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
one thing I’ve learned as a toxicologist/ER doc is that, when unsupervised, toddlers transform into little geniuses that are hyperfixated on the following 4 goals:
-open pill bottles
-eat everything
-climb climb climb
-be extremely quiet
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?