How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
You Might Also Like
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Meow
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
this FaceApp is creepy af
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Not today
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f