Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*watches a show about global warming*
Yeah whatever, doesn’t affect me.

*watches a show about bear attacks*
Would I be able to take a bear?

Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.

I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes

getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger

*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*

ME: Good morning, world!

CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.

My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same

It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.

For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.

“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”

why are you making this about you?

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)

As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?

When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.

If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.

Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.

baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran