Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Person: so, how are we today?

Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks

Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.

There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Feel. He’s so soft.

Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.

Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.

I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”

“Boo!” — cow with a cold

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house

When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.

But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.

@ candidates for local office

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”

You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.

The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.

Me: wanna go cow tipping?

Other person: that sounds fun

*LATER*

Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy

If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.

Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.

Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

Yes, your cat is waiting for you in heaven. Hm? Yes, he will ignore you there too.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed