How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

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“Pull my hair, slap me, call me dirty names” – WTF? I’ve been doing this since kindergarten and always got yelled at.


I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.


My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up


Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth


Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy


If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.


I thought twerking was tweeting at work

That’s how out of the loop I am


This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.

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