@texasstalkermom

How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?

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@pilau

me: god I need a break from work

God: [creates pandemic]

me: not like that

@ConcernedSirGuy

People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”

@SortaBad

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

@Darlainky

My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.

@ArfMeasures

Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this

Her: What, really?

Me: It’s fairer

Her: But I didn’t have wine

Me: You had dessert though

Her: I am 6 years old

Me: Get your money out

@Browtweaten

Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*

Neighbor: I said to bring a salad

Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home

Neighbor: I don’t know that word

Me: It means ‘house’

@Big_Cat74

Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing ūüôā

@stevevsninjas

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.