How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very very real.