How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
You Might Also Like
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
Me: You’re my favorite kid.
My kid: My favorite adult is Santa
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse