How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
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“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
True?
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
As I’m moonwalking away, they didn’t even notice I had stolen a brownie.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Watermelon Boss!
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
jesus christ confetti not now
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked