How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
*Pikachu dies*
Ghost of Pikachu: At least in death I’m allowed a respite from the technological prison that is a pokeball.
*ghostbusters arrive*
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”