How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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Amazon Tracking:
1. We’re not sure it exists.
2. Your package has arrived.
[Movie Theatre]
Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.
8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.
Me:
Employee:
*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.