I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
A bathroom fixture is knocking at your door.
Just let that sink in.
the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition
Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.