@superdollman

How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?

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@AbbyHasIssues

I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.

@KeetPotato

[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over

@LetMeStart

8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.

@Chelsea_Fagan

the phone camera arms race really overestimates the degree to which i want to see my own face in high definition

@sirensaysnope

Him: Tell me one of your fantasies
Me: I want to lie in a field of French fries naked

@coolauntV

[walking in on boyfriend]

me: oh god

him: it’s not what it looks like!

me: how could you do this to me?!

him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way

me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss

@FredTaming

airline: will you be checking your bags, sir

me: again? I did that three times at home

@VaultsOpen

My 6 year old nephew is legitimately pissed off that there is no actual monkey in the monkey bread.