How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
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[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Big up the 12 yr old kid on my daughter’s school camping trip who has mistakenly got my number listed in her phone as my daughter’s number and so has been texting me from her tent at midnight and 2am going SO WHAT’S THE PLAN?
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
I only say stupid things when I talk.
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.