How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
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god’s mom: clean your room or i’m throwing away those toys
god: moooom, they’re not toys. they’re dinosaurs!
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
*Batman voice*
Elections give me diarrhea.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
If the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything else:
Stamps: Lickie Stickies
Defibrillators: Hearty Starty
Pregnancy Test: Maybe Baby
Lamp: Lighty Brighty