Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

What about a To-Don’t List?

First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

Surely these children should be in bed by now?

– me, anytime after 4pm

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.

*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*

wtf?

“dad i can explain”

u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes

Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”

Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”

“Honey, what movie are you watching?”

“Our wedding video.”

How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?

Please say like 5 months?

If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.

When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”

*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees

“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”

This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.

Me: it hit me completely out of the grey

Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?

Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes

Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.

~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs

the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us

Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5

Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”

Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”

The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

Lazy? More like “selective participant” am I right?

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.