Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.

Anne Has A Problem

Anne Has A Solution

Anne Has A Will

Anne Hathaway

10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house

I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face

I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?

Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.

Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom

[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.

Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.

ME: *barely audible* a detourist

WIFE: Get out.

“Can you get my water, Mom?”

— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.

My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean