How many calories are in Twitter beef?
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Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.
*starts crying*
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Looks at the shower
At least YOU get turned on when I’m naked
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd