How many calories are in Twitter beef?
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[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
🔥🔥
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them