How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.