How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.