Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok

Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2

I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?

The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.

*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*

*checks mirror*

Is it working yet?

Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.

People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?

Time for bed!
*puts phone down*

Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*

I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷‍♀️

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

returning to work after a holiday weekend like

I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.

Nobody ever talks about how Sodom and Gomorrah were walkable cities

I’d use my best pan on you.

[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good

HER: I’m an animal activist.

ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.

The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.

Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice

Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter

new shirt idea

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit