How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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OMFG!
I just learned a dentist up the street from us got arrested for dealing drugs.
Just goes to show you how wrong you can be about your neighbors,
I’ve been going to this guy for well over a decade, I never knew he was a dentist.
Margot Robbie has welcomed her first child, a boy, People reports.
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
Normalize saying “Yummy in my tummy” when the server asks about your meal.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
divorce is so weird why do I have an ex-aunt
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
I hope this email punches you square in the face
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.