How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
my haters are mad they’ll never catch me slippin because of my grippy socks
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?