How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.