How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.