How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
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Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
You can never be accused of overstaying your welcome, if you don’t go anywhere.
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Painted a big H in my garden to see if I can trap a helicopter. Wish me luck!
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Never forget.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.