Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kitchen magnet

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Bread puns are on the rise!

If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.

good morning

I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.

What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.

What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.

*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.

Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.

Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!

*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*

Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.

Two out of three ain’t bad.

*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*

INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-

*closes browser*

My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.

I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato

Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird

“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?

therapist: and how do we react to conflict?

me: with sarcasm?

therapist: try again

me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM

therapist: much better

Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.