How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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Hot Panini is in big trouble
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.