How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
*sniffs glue
glue: I have a boyfriend
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.