PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
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[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
Me: I want you…
I need you…
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Just watched a guy cut up his burrito into dozens of little pieces. I wonder how many people he’s murdered.
I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I loved traveling by trains until one day there was a robbery. Since then, I have been hiding from the law.