Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

[first date]

him: how do you feel about having children

me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.

If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”

I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs

One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.

[news anchor]

“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”

Me: Did-

Wife: Your blood pressure is fine

kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”

If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”

i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.

Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?

Me: As many free office supplies as possible.

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping