Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.

The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

💀💀💀💀

I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.

Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.

me: how much for the dog bouquet

girl walking dogs: what

Expectations of quarantine: I’ll clean out my closets, cupboards, and book shelves. I’ll cook, bake, read, exercise, and catch up on paperwork.

Reality of quarantine: I’m a 600lb blob of mashed potatoes on the couch with a hot pink post it note that says, “She tried.”

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board

Me: I have a PhD in mathematics

Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack

Me: *nodding* that makes two

My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA

“I’m so sorry”

“No, I’m really sorry”

“No, I’m even sorrier than you”

“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”

*mutual hug*

-Canadian rap battle

Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Her : I like you

Me : You’re mistaken

me: what’s our criminology class on?

friend: cannibalism

me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture

As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.

Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.

I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.

just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping

At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.

Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.