How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
I bought a portable Panini maker so I could heat up my underwear as I’m driving
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame