How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.